I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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