i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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