I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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