I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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