I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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