yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
