I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
