were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
