it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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