oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
