benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
