I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
