You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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