Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
