last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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