my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
