The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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