Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
