I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
