somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
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She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
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In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize