Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
