My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
