doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
