Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
