I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
