Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's shark week go big or go home
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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