There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
