im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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