I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize