Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
