On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
