I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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