No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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