It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
