This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
