Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
