My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Mom said you looked used
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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