Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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