How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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