Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
...so i touched it.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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