yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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