he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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