There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
