she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
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i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
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Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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