Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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