i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
