my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
