She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
