God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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