he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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