nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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