Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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