How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
