wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
