Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
